So first things first. I have to apologize if I worried any of you with my rant the other day. Honestly I just needed to get it all out. It was straight from my heart, off of my chest and onto the page. I didn’t mean to frighten or worry any of you. However writing that got me thinking a lot about who I am and what I want in life. Everyone has been so keen on writing the 25 random things about themselves. And as I sometimes give in to online trends I did the same. Well yesterday I decided to add to my list. I wrote everything I possibly thought of about me. Some things people my know and a lot most won’t know. I am honestly just trying to wipe the slate clean. It is a long list so if you feel like reading it all it is most appreciated. It is not consecutive or categorized in anyway. I am not looking for judgment, help or advice. Though if you have felt that way, or think you can help me understand my thoughts it would be most appreciated. I come to you in a place of trust and love…please respect that….So here we go, my original 25 first and the rest. well you’ll see….but this is me…take it or leave it
1. I have a tendency to be overly optimistic and hopeful even in the worst circumstances.
2. I love being pregnant....and though I want to wait a while after this little one Id like to have 2 or 3 more kids
3. I am torn between city and country....New York is the love of my life, but I find myself craving the outdoors and trees and even bugs
4. I tend to reminisce on the past in the most odd of circumstances
5. I have a fascination with serial killers and the holocaust and need to read as much as I can about both
6. I could eat sushi everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy
7. I wish I could go back to school in the real way. Not that I would want to change my life but I wish I had had the experience of dorming and living away.
8. I think there is nothing sexier then an accent...and a kilt
9. I totally believe I should have been born in the 1950's and dated James Dean....or some other hot sexy greaser.
10. I love to write and be creative but I cannot write a script to save my life
11. I totally love to dance, but there has not been one person that can actually lead where I can follow.
12. I want more than anything else to travel the world with my children for a while and then settle down in a nice town and open my own coffee shop...of the old school variety...have it be a gallery for up and coming photographers, and turn into a swanky lounge at night.
13. I think there is something magical and wonderful in everyone, and that they don’t just embrace it when they should
14. I didn’t get my drivers license until about 4 months ago because I never thought I needed it
15. I’m not shallow but I really just cant stand ugly people
16. I have an issue with old tourists and not cute kids....specially when they are together and bugging you in times square
17. It totally annoys me when people don’t use their blinkers...nothing pisses me off more
18. I have a big heart, I trust easily, fall fast and get hurt...but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe that if you hide what’s inside you will never be truly happy.
19. I have two diagnosed autoimmune diseases.....but I do not consider myself sick and never will
20. My greatest hero came in the form of my Grandma Kay. I have never known anyone stronger, braver, more elegant or more kind then her
21. I have a hard time getting close to females because our brains usually aren’t wired the same way. Though when I find a girlfriend I will do everything in my power to keep them.
22. I am protective, loyal and honest with my friends....they are my world
23. I come from a HUGE family! and no matter what happens in my life they will always come first
24. I believe that I need to travel and show my kids everything I know....and only then will their life be complete
25. There is nothing more in my world that I want other than my kids to look at me when we're older and go....yeah that’s MY mom....and be proud of it
26. Sometimes I want to stay under the covers indefinitely
27. I love with all of my heart but spurn me once and I won’t easily forget it
28. I have hit someone once, and will regret it till the day I die
29. I don’t ever feel like I can say I’m sorry enough, when I have screwed up
30. I love strawberry and pistachio ice cream…but not together
31. If I’m in a crowd of people and I don’t know anyone I am painfully shy; if I do know someone I tend to use all the inside jokes I can think of in order to open up
32. I love being the center of attention
33. I want love and affection….on my own terms
34. I can be incredibly catty and shallow
35. My first instinct is to judge and I do everything I can to fight that down
36. When I pinky swear, I will keep it no matter what
37. When I said I do I meant forever
38. I would love to date a nice guy but I don’t LIKE nice guys
39. There is something about a man in tight jeans a tight white tee shirt and a leather jacket that gets me all riled up
40. I don’t like ramen noodles with broth
41. I’m a city girl but I don’t want to bring up my kids in the city
42. It bugs me when I am on my best behavior and people still don’t like me
43. I’m not a huge chocolate person but chocolate covered pretzels and French friends dipped in chocolate shakes amaze me…there is something about salty and sweet
44. I love just about anything gummi
45. I never really liked cola products till I was pregnant
46. I know no one can take care of my kids as well as I can
47. I have just gotten comfortable with myself naked
48. I have NOT been with as many people and YOU think I have
49. I date bad guys because inside I feel like I deserve the abuse
50. I prefer markers to pens but I prefer gel pens to ball point
51. I don’t use a lot of lower case letters when I write
52. I carry a mechanical pencil everywhere
53. I used to lie…..a lot…and can still recall every detail
54. I hate being lied to and can usually tell when it is happening. The truth may upset me but not as much as if I found out you lied
55. I worry constantly if I am good enough
56. I judge my mothering skills very harshly
57. I worry that I don’t do a good job as a mom
58. As much as I love being with a woman it would take an uber special circumstance for me to be with one forever
59. I still have a 1950’s romantic family scenario that plays in my head
60. I don’t think I deserve to be truly loved
61. I honestly don’t know if anyone has really loved me
62. I am terrified of being a single mom
63. I am not a fan of pizza on a normal basis
64.I cover my face if I know someone is about to embarrass themselves in a movie
65. I have never had a valentine
66. As much shit as has happened between me and some of my friends I would still defend them
67. I used to have an illegitimate fear of penises
68. I love tequila and it has never given me a hangover
69. I wish I knew I was allergic to latex when I lost my virginity….I would have been better
70. I can name all the guys I have slept with in chronological order…….but not the girls
71. I have perverse fantasies that I am too shy to tell anyone about
72. I can be a flirt and a tease but I wont make a first move
73. Most of the people I flirt with I wont hook up with
74. I get tired of people telling me that after I have the baby I will lose all the weight
75. I am tired of people telling me I shouldn’t gain weight in my pregnancy
76. My two touchiest subjects are money and Christopher
77. If I am sad I want to be held
78. If I am angry the worst thing to do is coddle me
79. I love soft sheets and beds you can melt into
80. I miss my Jayson all the time
81. I love nice hot bubble baths
82. I am a big fan of angry sex
83. I do not enjoy one night stands
84. I can’t hook up with someone I don’t mesh with
85. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone with my whole heart again
86. I miss my best friend
87. I will eternally love the food groups
88. I don’t want to rely on someone for my happiness
89. I am scared that my kids and I will be alone
90. I am scared that I will lose them
91. I hate it when things startle me(in a jump out go boo kind of way) I get angry and punchy then upset
92. I can name everyone that has a piece of my heart
93. I fall hard and fast in love
94. I don’t believe you can be in love with two people at the same time in the same way
95. Couples love me but I could never be part of a triumvirate because I'm selfish
96. I’m scared of the dark
97. I cant go to sleep until I've checked on my kids and told them I loved them
98. I was told at the age of 17 that I may never be able to carry kids
99. When pregnant I cant fall asleep until I feel my little one move
100. I have a fear of losing all the people I love
101. I feel if I stop at any given moment life is going to pass me by
102. I honestly don’t know who I want at the birth of my child
103. I hate working retail but Ritz isn’t the worst job out there
104. I feel like I would be a better mom if I were a SAHM or a WAHM
105. I joke about remarrying for money but I wouldn’t do that unless there was love involved because I wouldn’t be happy
106. I probably wont sleep with you
107. I am terrified or PPD
108. I think I have an undiagnosed mental psychosis
109. I will say I love you as much as I possibly can because I don’t think I said it enough to the ones I have lost
110. I can be unintentionally hypocritical
111. I am way too emotional
112. I don’t want to be like my mother when I grow up
113. I want to move somewhere new and start my life over
114. I have never really ridden a horse
115. I have hurt people unintentionally through out the years and still wish I could go back and fix it
116. I think I have made mistakes that have pushed some of the best people I know away.
117. I feel my greatest achievement will be making my kids proud
118. I blame myself for my grandmother dying
119. I hate myself for being sick my entire life
120. As a kid all I wanted to do was go to college; I still want to have a real college experience
121. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had made a different choice; then I feel guilty and get mad at myself
122. I have inherited the mom ability to put the fear of god into bill collectors
123. I honestly had nothing to do with my bad credit
124. I think my hands are prettier with acrylic
125. I am a Faeriephile
126. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up
127. I believe everyone deserves one great romance
128. I regret not sleeping with a Scotsman
129. I have tons of shoot ideas but no camera
130. Parents love me but wives don’t
131. I think love letters are amazing
132. I still have a box of notes from High School
133. I don’t understand why people add you to facebook when they hated you as a kid
134. I get sad and somewhat jealous seeing my ex’s happy
135. Looking at happy couples makes me queasy
136. Kissing my forehead is the quickest way to calm me down
137. I want to be dominated
138. I am a completely different person in the bedroom
139. I love holding hands and making out
140. I hate money
141. I feel the need to travel
142. I am a photographer in my heart
143. I can read 5 books at the same time
144. I AM a larper
145. I love dirty talk but too much of it turns me off
146. Psychological thrillers turn me on
147. I hate scary movies
148. I never know what to call my best friends parents
149. I love to drive more than I thought I would
150. I blow my nose often because I cant stand the sound of sniffling…..or slurping or chewing with your mouth open
151. I have an amazing sense of hearing
152. My son amazes me more everyday
153. I love boys in eyeliner and glitter
154. I enjoy being a fag hag
155. I may never go back to Pride
156. I have fallen for each one of my best friends at least once
157. I don’t need to drink to do karaoke
158. I will watch almost any movie
159. I have a fear of clowns…but not for normal reasons
160. I never feel beautiful
161. I think I have more insecurities than the average female
162. I don’t like to spend other peoples money
163. I have a feisty temper
164. I can be very sarcastic
165. I have a huge family and feel indebted to them. And because of that I feel I cant escape and when I try to I feel guilty
166. I carry way too much on my shoulders
167. I feel like I need to be perfect for everyone
168. Not many people see the real me; most of the ones who have…have broken my heart
169. I am still a hopeless romantic
170. I don’t like silence
171. I cant watch House or other shows like that with kids dying on them….but I watch SVU regularly
172. If I’m at my own house I prefer neat but at my mothers I really don’t care
173. I am angry that I have to rely on other people
174. I am angry for the past
175. I don’t like being angry
176. I blame myself for us falling apart
177. I think my in-laws are angry/disappointed in me
178. I worry that my little girl wont be as loved by the family as Jayson is
179. I have cried at every episode of Greys Anatomy
180. I have lots of journals with only a few pages filled out in each
181. I don’t regret but I have a bunch of what if’s
182. I need a vacation and that makes me feel like a bad mom
183. I try to be friends with everyone even when I shouldn’t
184. I wonder if and how I will ever be truly happy
185.I want to be praised when I do something extraordinary but not criticized when I know I need to improve
186. I have no yet perfected the Jewish guilt trip
187. People pleasers piss me off
188. I want a breast reduction
189. I think its funny that a lot of girls I have been with now claim to be straight
190. I have had too many friend pass away
191. I and a textaholic
192. I ramble when I’m nervous
193. I never intentionally play victim…..I just write to get things off my chest
194. My kids are my life and joy
195. I don’t really enjoy being ultra spoiled…small things matter most
196. I hate cats and cant stand most dogs unless they are mine
197. The sounds of latex and styrafome make me cringe
198. I try not to be a jealous person
199. I believe in finding your soul mate
200. I believe marriage can last forever
201. I don’t like looking in mirrors
202. I used to speak 4 languages
203. I feel like no one listens to me most of the time
204. I make a great scapegoat
205. I hate drama but always seem to be surrounded by it
206. I love dorks
207. I hate doing dishes but love laundry
208. I am a genuinely nice person which always comes back to haunt me
209. I miss Virginia even though I was never truly happy there
210. There are only a handful of people that I wont fight with for doing stuff for me
211. Androgyny is sexy
212. I hate having to ask for help
213. I didn’t mean to push some of you away
214. I prefer film to digital
215. I don’t like peach, watermelon or purple (fake) flavored things
216. I want to be totally enveloped in love
217. I love falling in love
218. I want to be able to give my kids everything they need
219. There is something about cocky guys that gets me all worked up
220. I prefer tea to coffee
221. I like to keep busy at all times
222. I am not a big list person
223. I hate when I am showing someone a move they have never seen and someone else starts talking
224. I am a pause button junkie
225. I don’t like sleeping alone
226. Full Metal Jacket gave me nightmares at 5 years old and I still cant get thru it
227. I can name everyone one of “Our” songs in relation to my ex’s
228. I’m tired of giving 110% and getting less than 20 back
229. I want to kiss a cowboy
230. I am tired of being the one who always has to call first
231. It genuinely hurts me to think that a friends significant other doesn’t like me
232. I feel useless when I cant do anything to help
233. My favorite flavor of Jell-O is green
234. I have tried to make it past the first page of 1984 15 times and still cant
235. I play WOW crossed armed
236. If I don’t hear back from a far away friend that I made the effort to contact I get really upset
237. It makes me smile and cry to see how much Jayson looks like his daddy
238. Every time I go to get the paperwork I feel like I’m giving up on what I believe in and just cant do it
239. I never feel like I will be good enough
240. I’m healthiest when I’m pregnant
241. I don’t think I can ever truly let myself love someone I have met online again
242. I hate flying and have never been out of the country
243. When I feel like my world is crashing down on me I turn into the worst friend ever
244. I cheated once in my life and will always feel horrid about it
245. My favorite Texas Hold Em hand is queen/nine
246. I think my prince is out there but I don’t know if I have the strength to find him
247. I like to read saucy novels that make me smile secretly to myself in public
248. I love New England sports teams
249.I names my son Jayson for a reason and there are only 2 people that can get away with shortening it
250. I don’t mind being in the hospital but I am allergic to anesthesia and I wont let most normal nurses draw my blood
251. Laundromats are therapeutic
So there you have it. I have been through so much and don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I will never lose hope that it will be better than today…
Love and light
Shaina Rene
