This is me....The real me...can you handle that

hursday, February 5th, 2009

2:26 pm

So first things first. I have to apologize if I worried any of you with my rant the other day. Honestly I just needed to get it all out. It was straight from my heart, off of my chest and onto the page. I didn’t mean to frighten or worry any of you. However writing that got me thinking a lot about who I am and what I want in life. Everyone has been so keen on writing the 25 random things about themselves. And as I sometimes give in to online trends I did the same. Well yesterday I decided to add to my list. I wrote everything I possibly thought of about me. Some things people my know and a lot most won’t know. I am honestly just trying to wipe the slate clean. It is a long list so if you feel like reading it all it is most appreciated. It is not consecutive or categorized in anyway. I am not looking for judgment, help or advice. Though if you have felt that way, or think you can help me understand my thoughts it would be most appreciated. I come to you in a place of trust and love…please respect that….So here we go, my original 25 first and the rest. well you’ll see….but this is me…take it or leave it 1. I have a tendency to be overly optimistic and hopeful even in the worst circumstances. 2. I love being pregnant....and though I want to wait a while after this little one Id like to have 2 or 3 more kids 3. I am torn between city and country....New York is the love of my life, but I find myself craving the outdoors and trees and even bugs 4. I tend to reminisce on the past in the most odd of circumstances 5. I have a fascination with serial killers and the holocaust and need to read as much as I can about both 6. I could eat sushi everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy 7. I wish I could go back to school in the real way. Not that I would want to change my life but I wish I had had the experience of dorming and living away. 8. I think there is nothing sexier then an accent...and a kilt 9. I totally believe I should have been born in the 1950's and dated James Dean....or some other hot sexy greaser. 10. I love to write and be creative but I cannot write a script to save my life 11. I totally love to dance, but there has not been one person that can actually lead where I can follow. 12. I want more than anything else to travel the world with my children for a while and then settle down in a nice town and open my own coffee shop...of the old school variety...have it be a gallery for up and coming photographers, and turn into a swanky lounge at night. 13. I think there is something magical and wonderful in everyone, and that they don’t just embrace it when they should 14. I didn’t get my drivers license until about 4 months ago because I never thought I needed it 15. I’m not shallow but I really just cant stand ugly people 16. I have an issue with old tourists and not cute kids....specially when they are together and bugging you in times square 17. It totally annoys me when people don’t use their blinkers...nothing pisses me off more 18. I have a big heart, I trust easily, fall fast and get hurt...but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe that if you hide what’s inside you will never be truly happy. 19. I have two diagnosed autoimmune diseases.....but I do not consider myself sick and never will 20. My greatest hero came in the form of my Grandma Kay. I have never known anyone stronger, braver, more elegant or more kind then her 21. I have a hard time getting close to females because our brains usually aren’t wired the same way. Though when I find a girlfriend I will do everything in my power to keep them. 22. I am protective, loyal and honest with my friends....they are my world 23. I come from a HUGE family! and no matter what happens in my life they will always come first 24. I believe that I need to travel and show my kids everything I know....and only then will their life be complete 25. There is nothing more in my world that I want other than my kids to look at me when we're older and go....yeah that’s MY mom....and be proud of it 26. Sometimes I want to stay under the covers indefinitely 27. I love with all of my heart but spurn me once and I won’t easily forget it 28. I have hit someone once, and will regret it till the day I die 29. I don’t ever feel like I can say I’m sorry enough, when I have screwed up 30. I love strawberry and pistachio ice cream…but not together 31. If I’m in a crowd of people and I don’t know anyone I am painfully shy; if I do know someone I tend to use all the inside jokes I can think of in order to open up 32. I love being the center of attention 33. I want love and affection….on my own terms 34. I can be incredibly catty and shallow 35. My first instinct is to judge and I do everything I can to fight that down 36. When I pinky swear, I will keep it no matter what 37. When I said I do I meant forever 38. I would love to date a nice guy but I don’t LIKE nice guys 39. There is something about a man in tight jeans a tight white tee shirt and a leather jacket that gets me all riled up 40. I don’t like ramen noodles with broth 41. I’m a city girl but I don’t want to bring up my kids in the city 42. It bugs me when I am on my best behavior and people still don’t like me 43. I’m not a huge chocolate person but chocolate covered pretzels and French friends dipped in chocolate shakes amaze me…there is something about salty and sweet 44. I love just about anything gummi 45. I never really liked cola products till I was pregnant 46. I know no one can take care of my kids as well as I can 47. I have just gotten comfortable with myself naked 48. I have NOT been with as many people and YOU think I have 49. I date bad guys because inside I feel like I deserve the abuse 50. I prefer markers to pens but I prefer gel pens to ball point 51. I don’t use a lot of lower case letters when I write 52. I carry a mechanical pencil everywhere 53. I used to lie…..a lot…and can still recall every detail 54. I hate being lied to and can usually tell when it is happening. The truth may upset me but not as much as if I found out you lied 55. I worry constantly if I am good enough 56. I judge my mothering skills very harshly 57. I worry that I don’t do a good job as a mom 58. As much as I love being with a woman it would take an uber special circumstance for me to be with one forever 59. I still have a 1950’s romantic family scenario that plays in my head 60. I don’t think I deserve to be truly loved 61. I honestly don’t know if anyone has really loved me 62. I am terrified of being a single mom 63. I am not a fan of pizza on a normal basis 64.I cover my face if I know someone is about to embarrass themselves in a movie 65. I have never had a valentine 66. As much shit as has happened between me and some of my friends I would still defend them 67. I used to have an illegitimate fear of penises 68. I love tequila and it has never given me a hangover 69. I wish I knew I was allergic to latex when I lost my virginity….I would have been better 70. I can name all the guys I have slept with in chronological order…….but not the girls 71. I have perverse fantasies that I am too shy to tell anyone about 72. I can be a flirt and a tease but I wont make a first move 73. Most of the people I flirt with I wont hook up with 74. I get tired of people telling me that after I have the baby I will lose all the weight 75. I am tired of people telling me I shouldn’t gain weight in my pregnancy 76. My two touchiest subjects are money and Christopher 77. If I am sad I want to be held 78. If I am angry the worst thing to do is coddle me 79. I love soft sheets and beds you can melt into 80. I miss my Jayson all the time 81. I love nice hot bubble baths 82. I am a big fan of angry sex 83. I do not enjoy one night stands 84. I can’t hook up with someone I don’t mesh with 85. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone with my whole heart again 86. I miss my best friend 87. I will eternally love the food groups 88. I don’t want to rely on someone for my happiness 89. I am scared that my kids and I will be alone 90. I am scared that I will lose them 91. I hate it when things startle me(in a jump out go boo kind of way) I get angry and punchy then upset 92. I can name everyone that has a piece of my heart 93. I fall hard and fast in love 94. I don’t believe you can be in love with two people at the same time in the same way 95. Couples love me but I could never be part of a triumvirate because I'm selfish 96. I’m scared of the dark 97. I cant go to sleep until I've checked on my kids and told them I loved them 98. I was told at the age of 17 that I may never be able to carry kids 99. When pregnant I cant fall asleep until I feel my little one move 100. I have a fear of losing all the people I love 101. I feel if I stop at any given moment life is going to pass me by 102. I honestly don’t know who I want at the birth of my child 103. I hate working retail but Ritz isn’t the worst job out there 104. I feel like I would be a better mom if I were a SAHM or a WAHM 105. I joke about remarrying for money but I wouldn’t do that unless there was love involved because I wouldn’t be happy 106. I probably wont sleep with you 107. I am terrified or PPD 108. I think I have an undiagnosed mental psychosis 109. I will say I love you as much as I possibly can because I don’t think I said it enough to the ones I have lost 110. I can be unintentionally hypocritical 111. I am way too emotional 112. I don’t want to be like my mother when I grow up 113. I want to move somewhere new and start my life over 114. I have never really ridden a horse 115. I have hurt people unintentionally through out the years and still wish I could go back and fix it 116. I think I have made mistakes that have pushed some of the best people I know away. 117. I feel my greatest achievement will be making my kids proud 118. I blame myself for my grandmother dying 119. I hate myself for being sick my entire life 120. As a kid all I wanted to do was go to college; I still want to have a real college experience 121. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had made a different choice; then I feel guilty and get mad at myself 122. I have inherited the mom ability to put the fear of god into bill collectors 123. I honestly had nothing to do with my bad credit 124. I think my hands are prettier with acrylic 125. I am a Faeriephile 126. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up 127. I believe everyone deserves one great romance 128. I regret not sleeping with a Scotsman 129. I have tons of shoot ideas but no camera 130. Parents love me but wives don’t 131. I think love letters are amazing 132. I still have a box of notes from High School 133. I don’t understand why people add you to facebook when they hated you as a kid 134. I get sad and somewhat jealous seeing my ex’s happy 135. Looking at happy couples makes me queasy 136. Kissing my forehead is the quickest way to calm me down 137. I want to be dominated 138. I am a completely different person in the bedroom 139. I love holding hands and making out 140. I hate money 141. I feel the need to travel 142. I am a photographer in my heart 143. I can read 5 books at the same time 144. I AM a larper 145. I love dirty talk but too much of it turns me off 146. Psychological thrillers turn me on 147. I hate scary movies 148. I never know what to call my best friends parents 149. I love to drive more than I thought I would 150. I blow my nose often because I cant stand the sound of sniffling…..or slurping or chewing with your mouth open 151. I have an amazing sense of hearing 152. My son amazes me more everyday 153. I love boys in eyeliner and glitter 154. I enjoy being a fag hag 155. I may never go back to Pride 156. I have fallen for each one of my best friends at least once 157. I don’t need to drink to do karaoke 158. I will watch almost any movie 159. I have a fear of clowns…but not for normal reasons 160. I never feel beautiful 161. I think I have more insecurities than the average female 162. I don’t like to spend other peoples money 163. I have a feisty temper 164. I can be very sarcastic 165. I have a huge family and feel indebted to them. And because of that I feel I cant escape and when I try to I feel guilty 166. I carry way too much on my shoulders 167. I feel like I need to be perfect for everyone 168. Not many people see the real me; most of the ones who have…have broken my heart 169. I am still a hopeless romantic 170. I don’t like silence 171. I cant watch House or other shows like that with kids dying on them….but I watch SVU regularly 172. If I’m at my own house I prefer neat but at my mothers I really don’t care 173. I am angry that I have to rely on other people 174. I am angry for the past 175. I don’t like being angry 176. I blame myself for us falling apart 177. I think my in-laws are angry/disappointed in me 178. I worry that my little girl wont be as loved by the family as Jayson is 179. I have cried at every episode of Greys Anatomy 180. I have lots of journals with only a few pages filled out in each 181. I don’t regret but I have a bunch of what if’s 182. I need a vacation and that makes me feel like a bad mom 183. I try to be friends with everyone even when I shouldn’t 184. I wonder if and how I will ever be truly happy 185.I want to be praised when I do something extraordinary but not criticized when I know I need to improve 186. I have no yet perfected the Jewish guilt trip 187. People pleasers piss me off 188. I want a breast reduction 189. I think its funny that a lot of girls I have been with now claim to be straight 190. I have had too many friend pass away 191. I and a textaholic 192. I ramble when I’m nervous 193. I never intentionally play victim…..I just write to get things off my chest 194. My kids are my life and joy 195. I don’t really enjoy being ultra spoiled…small things matter most 196. I hate cats and cant stand most dogs unless they are mine 197. The sounds of latex and styrafome make me cringe 198. I try not to be a jealous person 199. I believe in finding your soul mate 200. I believe marriage can last forever 201. I don’t like looking in mirrors 202. I used to speak 4 languages 203. I feel like no one listens to me most of the time 204. I make a great scapegoat 205. I hate drama but always seem to be surrounded by it 206. I love dorks 207. I hate doing dishes but love laundry 208. I am a genuinely nice person which always comes back to haunt me 209. I miss Virginia even though I was never truly happy there 210. There are only a handful of people that I wont fight with for doing stuff for me 211. Androgyny is sexy 212. I hate having to ask for help 213. I didn’t mean to push some of you away 214. I prefer film to digital 215. I don’t like peach, watermelon or purple (fake) flavored things 216. I want to be totally enveloped in love 217. I love falling in love 218. I want to be able to give my kids everything they need 219. There is something about cocky guys that gets me all worked up 220. I prefer tea to coffee 221. I like to keep busy at all times 222. I am not a big list person 223. I hate when I am showing someone a move they have never seen and someone else starts talking 224. I am a pause button junkie 225. I don’t like sleeping alone 226. Full Metal Jacket gave me nightmares at 5 years old and I still cant get thru it 227. I can name everyone one of “Our” songs in relation to my ex’s 228. I’m tired of giving 110% and getting less than 20 back 229. I want to kiss a cowboy 230. I am tired of being the one who always has to call first 231. It genuinely hurts me to think that a friends significant other doesn’t like me 232. I feel useless when I cant do anything to help 233. My favorite flavor of Jell-O is green 234. I have tried to make it past the first page of 1984 15 times and still cant 235. I play WOW crossed armed 236. If I don’t hear back from a far away friend that I made the effort to contact I get really upset 237. It makes me smile and cry to see how much Jayson looks like his daddy 238. Every time I go to get the paperwork I feel like I’m giving up on what I believe in and just cant do it 239. I never feel like I will be good enough 240. I’m healthiest when I’m pregnant 241. I don’t think I can ever truly let myself love someone I have met online again 242. I hate flying and have never been out of the country 243. When I feel like my world is crashing down on me I turn into the worst friend ever 244. I cheated once in my life and will always feel horrid about it 245. My favorite Texas Hold Em hand is queen/nine 246. I think my prince is out there but I don’t know if I have the strength to find him 247. I like to read saucy novels that make me smile secretly to myself in public 248. I love New England sports teams 249.I names my son Jayson for a reason and there are only 2 people that can get away with shortening it 250. I don’t mind being in the hospital but I am allergic to anesthesia and I wont let most normal nurses draw my blood 251. Laundromats are therapeutic So there you have it. I have been through so much and don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I will never lose hope that it will be better than today… Love and light Shaina Rene