Why did you go?

Ever since I came back, people asked me, why did you go? I tried to explain it, in simple terms,out loud and realized there are no simple reasons why. That the method to my madness runs too deep and my answers are not always what everyone wants to hear. So I figure I can put down my thoughts on paper and see if sense can be made. I suppose the simplest explanation is this... I needed to get away, to sort through, get things in order, figure out my own priorities. To gain perspective and find myself. What I realized though, is that all that isn't easy. I tend to put everyone ahead of myself, I take only a little that I need and give more than I have, just to see people smile. That I've in some ways grown up too fast and there's a part of me still aching to be young and discover the reasons why things work the way they do. Either way I'm trapped in myself trying to break free. I realized that I don't trust easily but when it is found it is fully , even to the extent of hurting myself in the process. I love easily but fear rejection to the point of pushing everyone to do just that. So many things go through my mind that I need to get them out so in desperation I pour my soul into books and words that no one may ever read. Not that I don't want anyone to know but once again the fear of loss and hurting comes into play. I also realize that it is those fears that make me try that much harder to succeed. Examples of my inner thought process, explains why I remain close to those that i do. She doesn't understand what it's like to stand on her own two feet. To come home to bills and unwashed dishes. To sit eating tuna out of a can and watching ten TV stations with nothing on because she couldn't afford to pay the bill this month. To work two jobs out of necessity and to drag through the day because she had to. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, switching her dreams, goals and desires on a whim because she knows int he end she will be provided for till the end of time if needs be. She wants so desperately to be loved that she clings to the past and won't look to the future . she relies on the words of others, to gain her validation and strength. But she's there when you need her. A call or a car ride away, when your hearts been broken or you feel lost. For those she calls friends she will provide all she has because somewhere inside she is able to give with  her all and that's why she is important in my life.  He has his problems like everyone else but hides from the outside world. He lives in his shell of attention grabbing because he has had his heart hurt more than her knows what to make of it. He provides for himself and those he cares about. He deals with his life without the help of others and outside drama that goes on with his friends. His strength is breathtaking and his wisdom immeasurable. He can make you smile and hold your hand or tell you exactly what he's thinking. Not to hurt but to help. That's why he is important to me. She is cold. Criticized for her open mind. She doesn't like outsiders and often comes off as harsh. She gave up what she thought was her path for a new one. She gave her life to follow her love.To live in that little girls dream of true love. She constantly tells you how she feels left out, but she alienates herself in a dream world. You can't have her without him, and she wouldn't have it any other way. She is a fighter and a lover. Determined to give everyone and everything 110%. she loves with her whole heart and her mind is always working. That's why she's important to me. The final person that comes to mind can't be addressed the way the rest of them have. This person is hard to read, has an attitude and is amazingly wanted by the opposite sex. With just a look or tone of voice, your world will be filled with laughter and tears. He knows what he wants and loves to have casual sex. He revels in the attention paid to him, when he wants it. Otherwise he can and will pull away and reject you for it. He lives for his games, and spends innumerable amounts of time wrapped up in his world. It's not that he doesn't know how to love, but that he has loved and in the end it hurt him. I don't believe he has given up the notion of love and relationships, but that he is more secure in knowing if things are kept casual  and he is control and he won't get hurt. Unfortunately that makes him hard to get inside, to read, to know what the truth is. He can make you feel like the most beautiful special wonderful creature int he world. He can make you feel such lust and such jealousy in the same minute that you just want your heart to explode so you just don't feel anymore. He has a brilliant mind and puts it to use. He struggles to makes ends meet at times. Just because he wants to make it alone. He knows he can make it alone and he's in dependant enough to live life, and enjoy it all at once. His smile can light up a room and he will argue his point vehemently if it means that much to him. He's strong willed, determined and although it may not sound like a redeeming quality, cocky. Once inside his world he will defend and protect you to the best of his ability. Now you may be wondering why this is different from the rest. I guess because when it comes down to it, I know I could love this boy. But loving someone you can't read is one of the hardest things to do. You drain yourself trying to break the shell and decipher his cryptic words that in the end you are tired and worn out and haven't gotten a fraction deeper then you started. But just when you are about to give up he comes out with something so profound that you try again. It's a vicious cycle, till you remove yourself from it and steep back. You learn to relax and take it as it comes, enjoy the mental stimulation and bodily pleasures and know that it is all OK. That's why I write about him this way, because he is an astounding person and a great friend and the boy I could love. Now all this relates in someway to why I left for a little while. I needed to sort in my own head what all these things meant and to finally order the workings of my mind. Three weeks left to enjoy and then once again I'll be gone, I doubt things will stay the same while I'm gone, so I don't expect anything. I know when I come back I will have grown up a little bit more and begin to start living and learning in a way I haven't done yet. For me, part of me fears losing people I have in my life, but I know those that loves binds never drift that far away. i know these things now, and shall continue to expand my knowledge as it comes up. Never giving in, never going back, wanting more than needing and loving with my entire heart. I guess that's the reason I left. To learn how to balance it all and love with my entire heart.